The Hastily Cobbled Together for a Fast Buck Album is one that was never released by Monty Python. But thanks to the wonders of the Internets, you can download it here (scroll down). One of my favorite sketches is the one featuring Mrs. Particle and Mrs. Velocity, a couple of pepperpots (middle-aged British housewives spoofed by the Python boys in drag).
If you aren't familiar with the pepperpots, here's a funny clip from a different sketch to give you an idea.
So without further ado, I present, Mrs. Particle and Mrs. Velocity
Mrs. Particle - Eric Idle
Mrs. Velocity - Graham Chapman
V: Morning Mrs. Particle!
P: Morning Mrs. Velocity.
V: Been shopping?
P: Nooo! I 'aven't got time to leap about the place on one leg all day!
V: You don't have to do that to go shopping!
P: OH! I'm sorry. I thought you said "hopping"! I must have partial auditory anti-sibilance!
V: What's that?
P: It's a disease I've just invented.
V: You don't invent diseases, they are discovered.
P: Like Africa!
V: You can't catch Africa! You'd have to be ENORMOUS to harbour such an infection. To catch Africa would require a woman sixteen times the size of Jupiter!
P: WELLLLLL, if she were that big at least she wouldn't have to go shopping.
V: Why?
P: Gravity! It would all be drawn towards her.
V: Ohh I wouldn't like that. It would remove all the element of choice.
P: Well according to Mrs. Quasar you wouldn't need to be that big. You could be much smaller and ease shopping drudgery if you shopped at speeds approaching the speed of light!
V: "E = mc²" Mrs. Particle. If you shopped at those speeds, a small carton of cat litter would become as heavy as Birmingham, and a million times smaller than an ant's footprint. Everything you'd want would just fall through the trolley!
P: They'd have built special electromagnetic shopping trolleys by then!
V: Well, what's it matter?
P: Condensed energy.
V: I beg your pardon?
P: That's what matter is!
V: I think whatever you're on is wearing off Mrs. Particle.
P: Yeeeeeess! Fancy a line?
V: No thank you, I wouldn't give that stuff to our cat.
P: Well, YOUR cat won't so much sniff at anything that isn't pure base! It must cost you a FORTUNE!
V: Well you can talk. Eight-thousand dollars worth of smack twice a week for a stray labrador?!
P: Why does it need so much?!
V: Well, if you ask me, I think it is a malaise common to many in our society who, lacking outdated religious or political motivations find themselves without a sense of purpose, unable as they are to comprehend the necessarily slow but steady progress of the collective consciousness of humankind towards a state of enlightenment, get themselves zonked up to the eyeballs on drugs, and...IT'S 'OOKED!
P: Disgustin'!
V: I think we're too thick to cope with ourselves.
P: Speak for yourself!
V: I thought I just did. Pass the quaaludes... *oohhhh*
Show us something sweet.
My world is made such a better place all because of a delicious man named R.Stevens. Richard is a sexeh boy with hot glasses and a knack for unique recipes.
Richard entertains me every day with the endlessly hilarious
Diesel Sweeties, a comic that is
both pixelated and addictive (much like Mr. Stevens himself).
I am scared for Mr. Stevens’ future. He has recently been offered a syndication deal. I hope the Robot Love is not toned down for print publication. Please do not sell out completely Richard!!!
The Diesel Sweeties site also offers a variety of some of the best t-shirts on the planet.
For the monkey lover:
For the nerd:
For the liberal:
For the educated:
For the devious:
As mentioned in the title, this post is shameless whoring (a ploy on Richard’s part to sell more t-shirts). But that’s OK, because his t-shirts are good and Mr. Stevens deserves fame and fortune for his outrageous activities. dieselsweeties.com rstevens Clango
Show us a fortune from a fortune cookie.
I'm lame and don't have a scanner, however, I tend to leave some of the better fortunes I've received over the years strewn all about the place. The closest in reach (desk at work) reads:
A well-directed imagination is the source of great deeds.
...in bed.
That's always been one of my favorites and I've had it forever.
I’m taking a break from my regularly scheduled Iron Maiden album review to bring you a review of one of the best albums of all time: The Carpenters' Christmas Collection. That’s right, Thanksgiving has passed us by and it’s time for this Atheist to celebrate the birth of baby Jeebus.
Growing up, The Carpenters' Christmas Portrait tape was the most popular album around our home. My Mom, Sister and I knew all the words by heart and would sing along while decorating our tree.
The Husband, despite loathing the Carpenters, knew how special this album was to me. Because my first Christmas with him was also the first without my family he bought Christmas Portrait to help with the homesickness. But the problem with the CD version is that it’s missing some of the classics off of the old tape and includes some songs from a different album they had released.
Fast forward a few years to when I found the Christmas Collection. This 2 disc album contains all of the great classics found on the original Christmas Portrait and their other Christmas record An Old-Fashioned Christmas.
From Karen’s heavenly soaring vocals to Richard’s meticulous piano, this album is a beautiful production of two of the most talented musicians in the industry.
In this collection, Christmas Portrait starts off just like the old tape, Richard singing a very brief snip of an a cappella O Come, O Come Emmanuel which leads into a mostly instrumental medley of classic Christmas tunes. After nearly five minutes, the greatly anticipated first notes of The Christmas Waltz finally roll off of Karen’s tongue (Frosted window panes). I am still enthralled by her voice after all these years and Richard’s anal production does a spectacular job of showcasing the talent of this brother-sister duo. Richard’s Carol of the Bells on piano deserves special note as it is a terrific example of his incredible musicianship. The second disc, An Old-Fashioned Christmas contains many additional favorites including a terrific selection of bits from the Nutcracker.
Both records always make me think of family and home and help make Christmas the special occasion that it is each and every year.
There is an old legend that the seventh son of a seventh son is a powerful healer fueled by a constant struggle between good and evil throughout his life. This legend is the basis for the 1988 Iron Maiden concept album Seventh Son of a Seventh Son. This album was produced by Martin “Disappearing Armchair” Birch.
Moonchild, written by Adrian Smith and Bruce Dickinson, starts off with a little synth a la Baba O'Riley and even wraps up in a similar style to that song. Bruce’s vocal style is noticeably different on this song; it’s a grittier sound. Whether it is from past abuse to his vocal chords or an effort to protect them for the future, it sounds good either way. This new sound is also evident on Harris’ Infinite Dreams. This groovy and laid back song contains some Hendrix style of guitar work and a really interesting bass line. There are cool tempo changes and great riffs; it doesn’t get much better than this.
Bruce’s soaring traditional sound can be found on Can I Play With Madness (Smith/Dickinson/Harris). The synth really works well here and the harmonies are fun to pick apart. Gritty Bruce is back on the Evil That Men Do (Smith/Dickinson/Harris), but it’s good. It’s less over-dramatic like some of his earlier low singing on Powerslave.
Harris’ title track is a fantastic epic with lots of typical Maiden transitions. I’d like to take this opportunity to mention that Steve Harris is a bass god. Dave and Steve wrote The Prophecy, a really great song with some devilish growing from Bruce. An incredibly beautiful acoustic guitar comes in with about a minute left of this tragic song.
Stage hit The Clairvoyant is a Steve Harris tune with a really cool bass intro. This is one of the ones that you’ll be singing for days after hearing it. The record ends with Only the Good Die Young. Harris and Dickinson penned this great song with a sweet-ass bass line.
This album has a 45 minute bonus disc that contains some of the best B-sides I’ve heard yet. The Can I Play With Madness single was a double B-side with Black Bart Blues (Harris/Dickinson) and Massacre, a Thin Lizzy song. Black Bart Blues is an amusing song about a suit of armor that Bruce bought on the road. The last couple of minutes are spliced clips of Nicko being silly. Massacre is a good song but doesn’t do much overall.
The double B-side of the Evil that Men Do has studio recordings of the current line-up doing Prowler and Charlotte the Harlot. I’m not totally on board with the new version of Prowler. Bruce adds some new harmonies that seem to bring down the song and the whole thing lacks the energy of the original. Charlotte, on the other hand, sounds really polished and Bruce sounds great.
A UK single was released with The Clairvoyant and the Prisoner, both live from Monsters of Rock 1988. Everything sounds good on these tracks. Bruce struggles with The Prisoner in a few places, but everything else is fine.
A live version of Infinite Dreams was released as an A-side with a double B-side of Killers and Still Life. All three tracks were recorded live at Birmingham N.E.C., UK. I’ll start with Infinite Dreams. This has got to be one of the best live tracks I have ever heard. It’s just fucking incredible. Everyone is spot-on for it being such a difficult and complicated song. The song just gets better and better throughout and totally blows me away. I’m including it with this review because everyone should hear this track. Killers is good and has some great audience participation moments. Still Life actually starts off a little rough (if you can believe it!), they’re even off-tempo for the briefest of moments and quickly correct without issue. It’s a good track still.
Seventh Son of a Seventh Son is a masterpiece and is made even better by the bonus disc.
Iron Maiden’s 6th studio album arrived in 1986. Somewhere in Time was produced by Martin “Masa” Birch and was the first Maiden album to include guitar and bass synth.
The synth is evident right off the bat on the first track Caught Somewhere in Time. I was frightened at the beginning of this Steve Harris number, but was quickly relieved that the synth was not overwhelming.
Adrian Smith’s Wasted Years made me start to really see the distinction between his and Steve’s writing styles. Adrian seems to be better at composing catchy pop tunes and Steve tends to retain more of the classic early Maiden sound (duh, he is the founder of the band).
Nicko shines in Smith’s Sea of Madness which is a cool song overall but has some silly sounding 80’s-ish harmonies. Harris’ galloping epic Heaven Can Wait scared me with its gang vocals but I recognize that this will make for really great audience participation in live shows.
Bruce struggles with the higher notes in The Loneliness of the Long Distance Runner, but this Harris original is excellent musically.
One of the real stinkers on this album is Smith’s Stranger in a Strange Land. The synth is very mainstream sounding and the chorus is predictable and poppy. The band, as always, is good, but the quality of the material is questionable.
Deja-Vu, written by Dave Murray and Steve Harris, features the sweet twin guitars and some enlightening lyrics:
Ever had a conversation,
That you realise you've had before,
Isn't it strange?
Have you ever talked to someone,
And you feel you know what's coming next?
It feels pre-arranged.
'Cause you know that you've heard it before,
And you feel that this moment in time is surreal,
'Cause you know when you feel deja-vu.
I never understood the concept of déjà vu until now. Thanks Iron Maiden. (Does sarcasm translate on the page?)
My main problem with the synth on this album is that it is entirely unnecessary. All of these songs would hold up well without the addition of synth and I’m just not sure why it’s there. This is painfully evident in Harris’ Alexander the Great. The music is fantastic; there are even some hints of Hendrix influence in the guitars. But it’s got a layer of synth that just doesn’t belong and frankly feels forced and awkward. At least Steve Harris is still a bass god.
The double B-side for Wasted Years includes Reach Out, sung very well by Adrian with back-up vocals from Bruce, and Sheriff of Huddersfield, a song written by the whole band that makes fun of manager Rod Smallwood. The double B-side for Stranger in a Strange Land contains a good cover called Juanita and another cover That Girl, a really great song but sometimes sounds like Bruce is singing “Fat Girl”.
A special note should be made of the spectacular cover art. The sleeve of Somewhere in Time has enough band history detailed in the artwork that you could easily spend an hour or more picking it apart.
I have a few problems with Somewhere in Time, but overall it’s still a strong album.
- Unwashed: check
- Pajamas: check
- Excel Spreadsheet of Christmas Giving: check
- Amazon tab: check
- Pieh for second breakfast: check
- Kitteh on lap attempting to steal pieh: check
Also, this pic contains some of my favorite things in the background:
- Beatles movie poster
- Apple IIc
- The Complete Farside
- Stack of Nintendo Power
- Speak and Spell
- Speak and Math
- Goo Gone
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